


The Knight, The Damsel, and the Monster

by Hot_Damn_its_Kam



Series: I Am Not Your Protagonist (Lams OCD Verse) [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Crying, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, OCD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29598459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hot_Damn_its_Kam/pseuds/Hot_Damn_its_Kam
Summary: Alex has watched John makes leaps and bounds in terms of his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but monsters never leave. Sometimes they hide under the bed, waiting until you're least expecting it. The two have been through a lot, but sometimes nights that should be easy are the hardest to get through.This takes place in my OCD verseAlways Have, Always Will, which might be helpful for some context, but takes place after the events that have been covered so far (in other words, John and Alex are together now). This could be read stand-alone though, most implied things are easy to figure out.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Series: I Am Not Your Protagonist (Lams OCD Verse) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174535
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	The Knight, The Damsel, and the Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Broadway_Trashdump (@yosoytrste on tumblr) for their ideas and additions and curtainremote for her editing skills. This oneshot would be trash without you -3- Love y'all.
> 
> TW: Intrusive Thoughts, Mentions of Past Relationship Abuse (it's not graphic or detailed or anything, but I figured I'd stick it in just in case)
> 
> Hurt/Comfort, Angst, you know the drill.

Alex exited the bedroom after his latest bout of reading ended, stretching slightly. His book was still in his hands as he creaks and pops his bones . He had just finished an analysis of Sir Gawain to find John leaning over the kitchen counter. His hands were folded in front of him, his forehead resting on almost-fists. Alex could feel his heart lurch-- something unidentifiable. Worry? Anxiety? Alex could only read John's body language so well even after all this time. But he knew one thing: John closed in on himself like this is usually never good. Alexander just takes a quiet, but deep breath and wills his stomach to stop churning. 

"Jack?" Alex asked tentatively, "Honey, everything okay?" He asks, taking a small step into the kitchen, not too close, but close enough that John can still be comforted.

John's head snapped up, and Alex could tell he's either been crying or come close with his eyes bright pink, a stark contrast against his tanned skin, and eyelashes already stuck together, "Uhh... yeah. All good." He stammers out, still trying to feign an air of confidence, of stability. 

Alex gave him an unamused look, taking another tentative step forward, depositing his book on the counter as he does, "Ah yes, John Laurens, master of deception. C'mon, what happened?" Alex says softly, worry starting to seep into his eyes, the twist in his stomach is back as John stays stock steady.

He doesn't answer, avoiding Alex's eye.

"Lemme take a guess, hm?" Alex mused, gently taking John by the arms and turning him around to face him, rubbing his forearms, soft and warm. "Intrusive thoughts again?"

A nod. _A response._ Good. Yes.

"How bad?"

A shake of the head now. "You don't wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Okay... Is it why you were crying?"

"No. Not- Not really..."

Alex was intent on touching John, keeping an outside stimulus. Grounding. Because he knew that if he had come out even minutes later he could have had a disaster on his hands, his brain is quick to remind him. _Y_ _ou could've been too late, you could've found him too late again_ _,_ The words ring in his ears, but he pushes them back as best he can. He needs to help John, be there for John. Alex moves to brush John's cheek now and feels a small flower of hope bloom in his chest when he feels John lean into his palm, ever so slightly. 

"Francis?" Alex asked, knowing that was likely the answer.

John hummed his confirmation.

This stirs a new emotion in Alex's chest. Anger. The mention of the man is an irrefutable way to stir a fire in Alex. He doesn't often think of cold-blooded murder being a viable option for another human life, but every rule has an exception and Francis was the exception. 

"Honey-"

"I know," John interrupted, "I know. He's not- not here anymore Alex but I can't help it. Every time it happens I just hear him calling me a-" He clamped his mouth shut, sighing, stepping back, hands on his face. Hiding, hiding, hiding, not touching not touching not touching...

"A what?" Alex pressed, "What did he call you?"

"Mm..." John whimpered and Alex _knew_ the direction they were headed. He couldn't forgive himself for last time. He _needed_ John to say it.

"Baby, please tell me," Alex pled, "I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna judge you. I just need you to talk to me. Please?"

John looked at him timidly, slowly retracting his hands from his face. He felt childish but found he didn't care, avoiding Alex's eye again. 

"I'm a monster..." He whispered.

A beat of silence as the words sunk in.

"John you are not a _monster._ God no! This is not at all your fault, love. It's not monstrous. It's just you. Okay there's- there's not... you're not... God-" Alex couldn't articulate, his words quickly producing then shriveling up in his brain. The few who made it out to his tongue just run together, jumbling-- as if his thoughts were faster than his tongue could hand out. "John- "

"You don't know that Alex."

"I do. I know you. I know your heart. I know you're _no monster,_ fucking-" Alex grit his teeth, strangling Francis in his mind for the umpteenth time since he'd had the displeasure of meeting the scumbag.

"No! You don't! You don't Alex you don't know... I-I... I don't want to- But they- It's not- I don't wanna hurt you. I don't wanna hurt anyone, I'm sorry..."

Alex steadied himself, John needed a calm environment right now and an outburst from Alex would just make things worse. His thoughts finally begin to clear up, words appearing to him again as he speaks up. 

"John. You're right, I don't understand your exact experience. But I do understand this: You are not a monster. You can't control those thoughts but I know you don't want to act on them okay? I know you'd never want to hurt me. I know you'd never hurt me. I don't think you're a monster because you're not. You're human. You are human, John, to a fault. You know how I know that?"

"Mm?"

Alex took his hand, "Because you love me. Could a monster do that?"

Alex predicted John would crumble. It's happened a million times. It will happen a million more, and Alex doesn't mind-- He'll never mind as long as John comes back to him. So Alex just snakes his arms around the other man, holding him as tight as he can-- as if Alex let go, John would float away. He just sways softly back and forth, allowing John to go through the motions, soothing himself.

John rocked on the couch for a bit _[forward one two three back one two three forward one two three back one two three]_ , Alex happily counting forward and back for him until John was sufficiently dizzy. Then Alex put a movie on, something without much action or music. Calm, spoke background noise and John alternated between pressing his thumb between each of the joints on his left hand and chewing knuckles (not Alex's favorite habit, but it wasn't worth it to try and prevent him from doing so. God forbid we have _another_ disaster).

Eventually, John fell asleep while Alex bandaged blistered fingers. Alex felt mounds and bundles of tension melt from his body knowing his love was taken care of. His head on Alex's chest and Alex's fingers lazily scratch at his scalp softly and he is alone with his thoughts.

John could never be a monster. He's too beautiful. He's too full of life and of love. He's too kind. Vulnerable.

Alexander has seen monsters, abusers. People who are unscrupulous and only aim to hurt people, they're monsters. OCD was a monster. Francis was a monster.

Monsters corrupted John. Tangled him in knots and mangled his mind, bounded him up in lies so tightly that they became true to him, made him think of himself as a monster too.

That's why Alex was here. Alex was here to untie the knots, to turn mangled into mended.

John is not a monster.

John is both the damsel in distress and the knight in shining armor. Sometimes he just needed someone to remind him of that.

And Alex didn't mind polishing helmets.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, if you would leave a comment that would be awesome! Let me know what you liked! Didn't like! Yell at me! I don't care, I need validation.
> 
> Say hi on tumblr: @hot-damn-its-kam
> 
> kiss kiss


End file.
